Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in 0209013j's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, February 28th, 2007
1:11 pm	So Lou and Sisa apparently had a conversation about boys these days being crap, and shy and all the rest of it..culminating in the rather risque and humorous "put me through a wall" tagline. Would be remiss of me not to make a Blog out of it right? Especially when I have so much other work to do...lol....staying true to form. While I accept their criticism, certainly a wee look back says that often enough shyness was an impenetrable barrier towards the starting of a relationship, no more than the flat-out refusal to pull in clubs (make important decisions sober lol) right enough. Still got me thinking about things in general...so, assuming that Lou and Sisa are indicative of all women (and only a moron would assume so) then men need to be forthright and do all the work with regards to initiating relationships? Right? But then, if Lou and Sisa ARENT indicative of all femalekind, then surely theres a risk of "coming on strong" and being *too* forthright...or is there some inherit balancing act to be struck that simply am unaware of? Or am I being too mathematically formula driven and instead its just a case of learning to adapt to each situation? I think at heart it might be all be different sides of the same coin...and it woudl be no suprise that I'm just realising all this, no casanova have I ever pretended to be. Still, I cant help but feel if Lou and Sisa are complaining then this goes beyond my own personal crapness and hints at a general unhappiness with society at large. But then, Ive seen sexually aggressive men folk before, and well, no one talks kindly about them either...so, maybe ALL men are just too stupid to figure out this balancing act? Or maybe just MOST men....but, again, doing the math - the small percentage who ARENT crap at working this out - are still prone to the same ratio of fuckwit/good guy (ie.99/1%) so yeah, women are just generally fucked. Come to think of it - so are the boys - since, if your too shy you loose the girl. If your too dominant - you loose the girl - and without her filling out a 24 page questionairre before you approach her - well then its 50/50 she'll walk away...or slap you...or whatever. In todays post-feminist world (i hate that term - like theres no need for feminism any more! My arse!) its hard to know where to stand - open the door, or offer to pick up the check - and some girls will praise you for your old-worldyness - others accuse you of chauvinism...these are extreme examples..but as an oldworlder I can assure you - no exaggeration. So, what to do? I think the main complaint from Sisa and Lou is that they want a man who knows what they want - but knowing what you want and acting on it are two very different concepts with their own set of problems. A man can know what he wants but be paralysed and impotent to act - or he can act without knowing what he wants...so, self-confidence is not a sure sign of the beginnings of a beautiful friendship, let alone romance...and so what if you do all the work? Surely if you like someone you *should* go that extra mile - take the leap, even if *they* cant bring themselves to...nothing in this world comes easy, or without sacrifice. Sure, in an ideal world - if they liked you - they would do it first - but think of any reason why you DONT do it, and they have those + more...believe you me, I often lament girls dont do more of the pulling because it bugs me that as a guy its expected of you - hence why I felt the need to blog with this regards...so, I *think* what im saying is, to both the men and the women... If you like someone, go for it, rejection is not as bad as its made out to be (the cold bitter knife I think Chop referred to it as) because its not a insult to you, its just a difference of taste...and no one gets hurt when they say they like pizza and someone else says they prefer focaccia...do they? Still that being said, if the person you like is too shy to actually do the deed, then help them out, wither your male or female, because letting an opportunity go to waste on account of them being too shy...well...thats just sad....by all means, hold on to the ideal of being thrown through a wall...but dont let your ideals hold you down, even temporarily..because who knows what you might miss in the meantime....lifes too short for that. And people in general should get over the fear of rejection - because worse things can happen - personally I fear the opposite - cos thats when the really scary stuff begins...intimacy problems? nah...lol....ok, maybe....but again, lifes too short - cross every bridge when you come to it, and rule nothing out. Love Scot (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, December 17th, 2006
2:31 pm	St Crispin's Day "What's he that wishes so? My cousin Westmoreland? No, my fair cousin: If we are mark'd to die, we are enough To do our country loss; and if to live, The fewer men, the greater share of honour. God's will! I pray thee, wish not one man more. By Jove, I am not covetous for gold, Nor care I who doth feed upon my cost; It yearns me not if men my garments wear; Such outward things dwell not in my desires: But if it be a sin to covet honour, I am the most offending soul alive. No, faith, my coz, wish not a man from England: God's peace! I would not lose so great an honour As one man more, methinks, would share from me For the best hope I have. O, do not wish one more! Rather proclaim it, Westmoreland, through my host, That he which hath no stomach to this fight, Let him depart; his passport shall be made And crowns for convoy put into his purse: We would not die in that man's company That fears his fellowship to die with us. This day is called the feast of Crispian: He that outlives this day, and comes safe home, Will stand a tip-toe when the day is named, And rouse him at the name of Crispian. He that shall live this day, and see old age, Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours, And say "To-morrow is Saint Crispian": Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars And say "These wounds I had on Crispin's day." Old men forget: yet all shall be forgot, But he'll remember with advantages What feats he did that day: then shall our names, Familiar in his mouth as household words Harry the king, Bedford and Exeter, Warwick and Talbot, Salisbury and Gloucester, Be in their flowing cups freshly remember'd. This story shall the good man teach his son; And Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by, From this day to the ending of the world, But we in it shall be remember'd; We few, we happy few, we band of brothers; For he to-day that sheds his blood with me Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile, This day shall gentle his condition: And gentlemen in England now a-bed Shall think themselves accursed they were not here, And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day." (IV, iii) (Comment on this)
Friday, December 8th, 2006
6:39 pm	Penis's Latest xkcd cartoon (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 15th, 2006
11:22 am	Star Trek The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush. They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America ." President Bush said,"Well, anything I can do to help you, I will." The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is Black and Sulu who is Japanese, but no Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Syrians or Iraqis on Star Trek." President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "That's because it takes place in the future." (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, November 6th, 2006
12:36 pm	downtime The internet on my computer went down last night in the middle of writing an email. As infuriating and frustrating as this normally is, the fact that my flatmate *refused* point blank to aknowledge said problem , or make moves to fix it drove me nearways insane. I went to bed angry, and slept very little, got up and within five minutes on his computer had fixed the problem. Lesson? Stubborn bastards need shot. Love Scot Current Mood: annoyed (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 4th, 2006
12:07 am	warpath Ok people, On October 10th 2004 I was diagnosed as having an Anxiety Disorder known as Emetophobia. Its symptoms are varied and they include: a) Obsessive washing of hands/checking of expiration dates/worrying about infection b) Heightened panic levels resulting from *internal* (as opposed to external like seeing a spider) events. It can be quite debilitating, and uncomfertable. But I have been working hard on my own, and with the help of the medical community for some time to learn coping mechanisms for dealing with it. I have never asked for anyones pity, or sympathy. But I tell you something, I will no longer tolerate people's derision. Im not proud of my illness, I would give anything to overcome it and go into remission. But I am sick to fucking death of people's attitude that because its a mental illness I can somehow just *decide* to be well again. As if its that easy. I have an enormous level of control over my own emotions and mental state; and I'm learning to tap into that. But its not easy and its a path I may be walking all my life. I have been on this vibe for a while, government reports the the majority of people living with mental illness are not in work; where as those with a disability the numbers are getting better. Folk, from my own experience, who have had a panic attack or started crying or had an episode of some kind, in work have been ostracised or ridiculed..and I thought nothing of it, until recently. Why do we, as a society, feel the need to segregate emotionally, mentally and indeed phsyically, those with some sort of mental issue. Laing, the pre-eminent anti-psychiatrist of Glasgow Uni fame, believed that it was societies way of dealing with "inconvenient people" that rather than admit to themselves that they are not the pillars of iconoclastic machismo and strength, and rather than admit that its ok to be weak from time to time. The belief that possibly weakness is infectious and might rub off on them. It seems to me fairly feasable (though im less inclined to subscribe to the rest of the anti-psychiatry mode of thinking) indeed. I have decided to join some mental health advocacy groups, and throw the same energy commitment and passion into campaigning for the rights of those with mental health concerns as I did the socialist campaigns of my youth. Those of you who knew me then, know what is in store, and it would be wise to either have a reasoned argument or stay the hell away...ive made and broken friendships over less.... My flatmate makes fun of my crazy all the time; but its funny, and its in good humour. But I will not tolerate this sort of condescending and derisive attitude; that somehow I should feel ashamed or feel sorry for wasting other peoples time. I should feel bad for making other people uncomfertable, or worse still, annoying other people with my petty B__S; or worse still, that I am somehow to blame for not just "getting over it". Well, as much as I hate to say it, my illness is as much a part of me as anything else. Learn to love it, or fuck off. Its that simple really. Why should I be made to feel bad for somethign I didnt decide to, or want to have? Soemthing which I have no control over. (I mean, I can control to what extent the symptoms effect me, but not wither or not I suffer from it) Something which I would rather not have? NO one would treat someone suffering from a physical illness with as much disrespect; nor would the treat someone with a physical disability with as much contempt. And make no mistakes; it *is* an illness, in one respect or another, and it *is* as debilitating as many physical infirmities are. Im off to google mental health pressure groups. In the meantime kids, stay cool. Support your local poet. Give Kudos. And in the meantime, back the fuck off and quit giving me shit for being ill. Unless its funny. I dont mind if its funny. :) Since I know both Psyk and Chop are likely to make jokes, and since Im willing ot make jokes at the expense of others....whats funny is always acceptable. Its the intent behind the harshness that counts. I know when theres love. lol. Anyway. Love Scot ps. Always check your equipment. Current Mood: aggravated Current Music: none (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, October 13th, 2006
5:38 pm	My 20th Birthday For reasons (as I said, one story? or many?) that would take too long to go into I was running up a major debt on my credit cards, determined to get as much out of it as possible...I booked flights and a hotel and cashback for a holiday in Amsterdam to celebrate my 20th birthday. Upon arriving at the airport, my friend, whose floor I had been sleeping on for a number of months, proceeded to pull his passport out of his jacket pocket...in tatters, he'd mistakenly washed it a few nights previously forgetting his inside pocket was where the passport lived. He gave me his share of the spending money and urged me to go on without him, gutted though he was...the air-port-person/check-in-nazi wouldn't let him on board a flight to the Dam, but would let him fly to Cyprus...but this wasnt acceptable..I walked ahead with trepidation and excitement....it wasnt the first time I had been abroad on my own (far from it) but I was about to spend my birthday on my loansome. I arrived in Amsterdam and checked into the hotel...I went out, bought some weed (I was a heavy smoker back then..hence, birthday in Amsterdam) and then went to the Head Shop and contemplated Mushrooms....the man behind the counter looked at me with some humour in his eye...first time? aye? Take these ones..and remember if its too much for you, sugary drinks..orange juice, if its good: Chocolate!! Right on good sir! And I was offisky to the intermenet cafe to contemplate my decision. I decided to email my friend and tell him I bought mushrooms...he had taken them before, I was still a virgin in such matters. He replied almost instantly; something I wasnt expecting, but was happy to at least have some semblance of familial conversation: Ive bought some acid, he sayts. Meet me on the "beach of time" he says. OK. Says I, and I trundle off to the mcdonalds to get a burger to hide the foul tasting mushrooms in. Placing the little golden caps and stalks on the meatlike burger I closed my eyes, said a silent prayer, and hoped for the best. They tasted foul; the caps like little minuture socks that exploded in your mouth; the stalks had the texture of the oldest stalest beef, and tasted like dead-rat. I know what dead-rat smells like because my friend whose floor I had been occupying also kept snakes; which, eat rats...and if you can smell something, you can get a pretty good idea of what it tastes like. Back to the hotel, and sitting down, rolling a joint, marly-red and looking out the window; my room faces out onto a church tower with a clock on it; the clocks strikes the hour ten..two hours till my birthday...but rather than the solemn note that normally drolls out of churches back home; it plays a happy bouncy ditty, then goes silent, and night descends...I feel spaced, and it could be the mushrooms or the weed, so I lie down and pull out the ear phones, for want of conversation..so I replaced it with music....Miles Davis, Kind of Blue. One suspects that the jazz would enhance or accentuate a hullinogenic experience. One was quite wrong. In fact the trumpet raked my nerves, and no matter how much I turned the volume down it was still too loud; and its horrid, akward sound reminded me of the old movies where the character would go beyond, and the screen would go dark as neon lights swam past his eyes and the soundtrack some boozy blues or jazz....I had become that guy, I wasnt enjoying myself: the words "bad" and "trip" were everywhere in my mind, and the more I tried not to think about them, the less able I became. I closed my eyes and gulped. As I closed my eyes, curious shapes and figures began to appear, at first calming but then distressing, culminating with the muscular figure in the balaclava and woolen vneck jumper a la british army holding a naked baby by the leg in one hand, and a machete glinting in the sun in another, high in the air, waiting to swing...I gulped hard this time, hoping to swallow the image before movemnt took place, and I was cold. So very cold. Deathly cold, my arm, felt like it was decomposing, falling apart, rotting away; and it was infectous, spreading up towards my shoulder and neck before it enveloped my head...this is what hell is, I though, being dead, and concious, your body withering away and feeling everything. At some point, during this, I began screaming. My next memory is when I opened my eyes, the first time since I put on miles davis all that time ago...all around me was white, and man clad in blue, bald and red in the face was spitting questions at me; name, age, place of birth, date of birth....Tourist, he sneered. I need help, I begged, where am I, I asked. He left me. I sat, realising I was in a hospital waiting room; all around me were voices speaking in dutch, or maybe my hearing was muddling up, I couldnt tell....I was calmer, I knew if I was safe anywhere it was in a hospital. I thought of the red faced man and i was angry; images of him with horns flooded my mind...yeah, he was the devil, no doubt about it. No getting away from it, the devil in disguise...I chuckled at the image a nd went to the drinks machine, I spotted two options: Orange Juice Hot Chocolate What was it the dude said? Thought I, OJ to make it stronger, chocolate to bring you down: I punched the button for chocolate...gulped the burning goop down, and hit the button again...for good luck. I was being led through to a room, the doctor pulled a curtain back; my own space, I thought, how nice. The doctor is telling me Im safe, but theres nothign he can do to stop it, I might as well enjoy it, he says. Sounds like smart advice, I though. He says hes outside if I need him, and the floor is grey with black fleks, fleks which look like spiders, fleks which ARE spiders, spiders crawling up my legs and...I catch the glint of the metal bars of the hospital trolley...the bed in front of me; it begins to folk in and out of itself and its such a curious thing, because the shadows move proportionately.....it fits, the hullicinations FIT THE LAWS OF NATURE, how odd...it folds in on itself one last momentous time and as it begins to expand; a golden circle emits from it, well it didnt emit; that implies movement; I percieved IN it, this golden shape, from which all knowledge and all joy is found...it was god. This hosptial trolley was, or is, or is part of God. It didnt matter, what mattered was I was in the presense of the One. Peace and harmony flooded my being and the simple joy of being alive became my natural disposition. The orderly entered; the redfacedone, the devil, holding a cup of black liquid: Charcoal he says, drink it, he says, it will stop the trip, he says.....stop it? why on earth would I want to do that...I have no further use for him, I think and walk and into a waiting taxi...home, I said. Take me home. After much confusion, I didnt know the way, he sussed out where he was going, and after paying him I departed past a worried looking receptionist (it had been her who arranged the trip to the hospital I was later informed) and up to the room; the chequered blue and red and yellow curtains are static and uninspiring, and I realise with some degree of disappointment, that my journey was over, I had come to the end of the road. The clock outside began its crazy chime again;It was three am, and I noticed that I had left the window open which might have been why I felt so cold; it is February after all, I thought. I rolled a joint and sat looking out the window; little flakes of snow falling from the sky as people hurry here and there underneath me oblivious to the experience I just had, and I thought, how like life...we all wander hither and thither, so intent upon our own perceptions, we never stop to wonder about those of others...if you did, you never know, you might find someone who has just met god, incarnated as a hospital trolley, on his birthday. And that is why I shared this particular story, or vignette of a greater narrative, because you did stop and wonder. So it seems only fitting. Love Scot (Comment on this)
4:51 pm	babies and buddhists I went to uni today, fine fine fine, as per usualy...decided to listen to some Imogen Heap and stroll to the hospital to see Little Baby Liam and who should I bump into? But Buddhist Nick. This is one of the old timers from the pool campaign, a buddhist, a jazz man, a fungshui (sp) expert and, now, graduate. I hadnt seen him since he started his course four years ago or so...we caught up; he now owns property...ooer....and has a missus and teenage stepkids. Such a change and so swift for a man who once described himself as riddled with so many insecurities and anxities as to render him socially inept..no kidding kids, he couldnt leave the house sometimes....now, I congratulate and salute him, of course...but also am envious slightly...but if he can find happiness and love and contentment and security and prosperity in this world; theres hope for us all isnt their! :) So he invited me ot his flatmarming next month and I shall attend bringing with me all the good wishes in the world. Then trundled off to l'hopital to see lil baby Liam. Now, not one normally for gushing over babies but gotta admit the little skin bag is cute. And teeeny. Very Very teeny. The faither was somewhere between crying and having a heart attack which was cute...I stopped being jealous and started being proud...and hopefull, and determined....fuck knows, I may or may not be a lost cause in this world...but that doesnt matter, cos theres a new generation to look after and guide and bail out of many a scrape...lol. Anyway kids, Im offisky...does anyone know what I was supposed to be doing today? I get the feeling Im missing something. Love scot Current Mood: enthralled Current Music: Imogen Heap - Speeding Cars (Comment on this)
9:57 am	Elliot Smith and babies So I have a nephew; frickin hell, my little brother has a baby...so fucked up....Liam, erm....of some weight....I was told, I forget..ne'er understood why that was important. No change on the flat situation; we had some chick come up last night and make sneering motions at everything we showed her.... :S its not that bad, in fact its quite nice! dunno what her problem was! I also rediscovered my love for Elliot Smith....especially "say yes" Love Scot Current Mood: happy Current Music: Elliot Smith - Say Yes (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 11th, 2006
2:14 pm	Babies and debt recovery folks My wee brothers missus just went into labour! im about to be an uncle. woot! On a slightly more bothersome note; despite going to get my debt stuff sorted at teh Citizens Advice those bastards still phoned me up, I explained that (as I had explained ALL this week)it was now in the hands of the CAB, and they should speak to them and not me. They insisted that they would indeed just keep phoning every day regardless...i told them this was harassment, they said they didnt mind! Vultures! Wheres the C4 when you need it!?! Love Scot (Comment on this)
Monday, October 9th, 2006
10:37 pm	2 year anniversary Kids, holy freakin christ. Tomorrow is the tenth already. The tenth of October. It was two years ago that I stopped taking drugs. It was two years ago today that I first found the fear. It was two years ago that I swore off casual sex. How the time does pass. Love Scot Current Mood: accomplished Current Music: The news of Kim Jong Il's Nuclear testing (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 8th, 2006
12:38 pm	!Every sperm is sacred Every time a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate." hehe, watching the Meaning Of Life. Love Scot Current Mood: giggly Current Music: Monty Python - Every sperm is sacred (Comment on this)
Saturday, October 7th, 2006
10:10 pm	nae genius am I, nor fortuneteller either....bloody likely to be homeless but. Frick!!!!! Love Scot Current Mood: worried Current Music: brassed off (Comment on this)
8:28 pm	Ricardo Lorenzo and the flat I get the feeling Rikki is telling psyk he doenst want to move in, and I think somehow *I* might be the reason.....why do I think so? Cos he phoned to say he had made his decision, and he wanted to speak to Psyk alone about it....gutter..which means i need a new flatmate ASAP, or a new flat ASAP! Egads! Love Scot Current Mood: worried Current Music: none (Comment on this)
6:02 pm	Your girl is lovely hubble Just finished watching "The way we were" on Tv. :) ..."memories....like the corner of my mind"... Love Scot Current Mood: tired (Comment on this)
3:29 pm	No woman, no cry Good friends we have, oh, good friends weve lost Along the way. In this great future, you cant forget your past; So dry your tears, I say. Current Mood: nostalgic Current Music: bob marley (Comment on this)
1:44 pm	Get busy living, or get busy dying hola mis compañeros. I am on, yet another, course of antibiotics...fantastico...these ones dont taste any where near as foul as the last course, so I wont be thinking that my fillings are falling out, like last time...honest, t'was a wierd taste. yawn...these early mornings dont suit me at all... So yet another debt letter drops through the door, and *huzza* the time has come to sort it out. They want me to pay 80 bucks a month for the next six years or so (just them, the other creditors havent asked for a specific amount back yet) and I hit the end of my tether...on monday I am off to the citizens advice folksies to get this shit sorted once and for all. I will have less money per week, but that will be one less strain on the head. What with winter coming up, I want to ensure that as much as possible I am protected against the fear. If I get all the stressful events that I *can* control under control, then all I have to worry about are lifes random mishaps...and hopefully this winter can go as smoothly (rofl) as last one did. So that means in the next four days or so I have to: 1. visit my uncle in the hopsical 2. sort out debt 3. start working on essays/tutorials So yes, its that time of year kiddos, where I get patronising and self-aggrandising and start telling everyone that they can take control of their lives and fortunes. Apolgies in advance...lol. On the plus side I have rediscovered Grace today. After thoroughly ripping the cunt out of that album for almost four years ,it has sat unused for maybe the last three years or so as Sin-e and Sketches win favour...but, yes, today I listened to it from start to finish, and i am all about the Uncle Jeff. Also Imogen Heap...but yeah....wooobwoobwoobwoobwoob. Still no word from my brother like. Any day now...any day....I am gonna be an uncle....puts ALL that other shit in perspective. Who can worry about debts when there are LIVES being born into this world? Meahahahaha......awesome. Still......wish it was me. :) Do I? I dunno...maybe not *just* now...lol. Anyway im off for a nap. Love Scot Current Mood: determined Current Music: Jeff Buckley - Grace (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, October 6th, 2006
5:23 pm	I quit Fuck it; manners aside. The job was baws. And I didnt appreciate being fired by text..I apologised to Kenny for going to such lengths to rehire me. But at the end of the day, I dont owe the agency nowt. I will miss it. I will miss the people. I will miss the money. I will have much more free time...and in the end...Im a busy man. Woobwoobwoowbowob Love Scot Current Mood: artistic Current Music: Vashti Bunyan (Comment on this)
11:15 am	Fucking NHS I woke up early a la eight am to phone the GP surgery to make an appointment for my sore throat which is not going away, despite much antibiotic treatments (2 different courses now) and almost four weeks. I bell them, and they say "oh no, thats alright, we'll get a GP to call you back" "Fine" says, I. three hours later a Gp rings back: "hello, what seems to be the trouble?" "blah blah de blah blah blah" "oh, yes, that does sound odd...were gonna want to have a look at that, phone tomorrow at 8 and make an appointment." "but I DID phone at 8 today to make an appointment" "we thought it was something which could be treated over the phone." "but its not" "no" "and so now I have to get up early *again* to make an appointment which could have just been made today?" "yes, sorry" "no problem" grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...............i wouldnt mind so much if it werent for the fact that I was already fucking shattered yesterday and wanted, but didnt get, an early night...and didnt sleep much either a la panic et nausea.....I wouldnt mind as much, if I hadnt actually said: "can I have an appointment" over the phone. Fucking NHS.....sos now I have to get up early again tomorrow, and im actually proper worried now. woobwooobwoobwoob Go me! Love Scot Current Mood: angry Current Music: frou frou (Comment on this)
9:45 am	Sleepless Nights I spent most of last night in a sleepless, frantic panic...trying really hard not to be sick. Its been a long time since Ive had the panic at night...it wasnt pleasant...Maybe it was just gods way of telling me not to eat so much Cheese on toast before bed....felt sooo sick....yeah, thats probably it....no more midnight snacks for me! :P Love Scot Current Mood: anxious Current Music: none (Comment on this)